we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
