my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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