Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
