Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
