if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
