mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
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