It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
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To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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