tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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