It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
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