You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
