Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
barbara walters just said penis...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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