Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
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Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
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The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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