There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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