Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
