He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Randomize
