Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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