It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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