Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
