He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
