Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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