If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
