So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
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Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
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He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I touched a dick in church today
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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