There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
