i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
They have beer where we have blood.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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