You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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