Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
