For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
