Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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