I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
