five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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