Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
