there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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