i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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