If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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