I am puke
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
