a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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