wrigley field is MILF paradise
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
