I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
