Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
