If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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