Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
