I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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