the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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