Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
