I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
