walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
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I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
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I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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