Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
