I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
