sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
