I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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