I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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