i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
