he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
