just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
