my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
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juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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