TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
