If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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